Loud Silence

Do you ever feel like life is forever stuck on pause?

Your thoughts are in limbo

Do you ever wish that someone could save you from the pressure

All eyes on you

 

You want to make a sound but your lips are sewn shut

No one can hear you.

You want to fight the voices in your head but they’re in control

An internal battle.

 

The sweat is trickling down your skin

The adrenaline can’t revive you

The hands won’t tick anymore yet time is still running out

 

All you see is black and white

Blurred vision

 

You’re at a loss for words

You’ve lost your tongue

 

A silent voice

 

Nobody can hear you

They won’t listen because you won’t let them!

 

I wrote this poem because being an observer and an empath, I feel this is how many students at my school feel

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Morning in America

Father isn’t paying attention to mother anymore

He just takes and takes, but doesn’t give back

He’s greedy and spiteful

He doesn’t even appreciate God’s gifts anymore

 

Father isn’t taking care of his children

He hears their cries, but doesn’t compromise

It’s a dictatorship now

He doesn’t even give the children their medicine

 

Father isn’t taking care of his family anymore

He just comes and goes as he pleases

It’s all just a façade

He doesn’t give a damn, just blames it on the neighbors

 

Just a poem that I wrote for my school… it was inspired by Jon Bellion’s “Morning in America” and “Jungle”

Where Do I Belong?

What is it like to be normal? Actually, what is normal? Is normal human? Is it good to be weird… different? Sometimes I just feel like I don’t belong in this world. It’s not that I feel “unwanted” or anything, but I’m just so awkward around people –– even my closest friends. I can’t even have a simple conversation! I’m never the one to start a blown out conversation, and if I even try, it becomes awkward. My LIFE is the definition of awkward.

Take today for example: for confidential purposes, let’s use the names “Ingrid” and “Serena” for my friends. So every once in a while Ingrid and I would go to Starbucks together after school and sometimes Serena would tag along. You see, Serena and Ingrid are extroverts… I am not. So, during the whole car ride to Starbucks, I didn’t even speak a word; I mean I wanted too, but I couldn’t get the words out, I didn’t know where to start, let alone what to say. I was frozen. I mean Serena tried to include me into the coversation that she and Ingrid were having but I couldn’t keep up. Literally the only response I had was, “Well you guys know me; I’m not the type of person to but in on other people’s convos.” Man, I swear I hate saying that, but it’s the truth. What’s worse is when we were just chilling in the car and I was given about 20-25 minutes 2x (2 freaking times) to speak when it was quiet and I just couldn’t! There a few of my close friends for Pete’s sake! I just feel terrible because I honestly feel like there’s something wrong with me. I’m shying out for no reason. They’re people who I’ve known for a very long time and I can’t even fathom to express how I felt.

The only way I can really get in on a conversation is if someone was talking about… about… shit. I don’t even know how to get myself to speak to others. Ever since last year I’ve been daydreaming about having conversations with others and thinking about all of the possible outcomes that come out of their mouth based on who they were. With that, I would prepare myself for the unexpected (which is technically expected) but sometimes those people who I would talk to would throw me a curve ball and I’d be stumped again! My problem is that i really can’t think up of anything to say right off the bat. If I did, I’d say the wrong thing and things would turn out bad. Sometimes when I say the wrong thing, I’d get “the face” as I would call it. Everybody I know has their own different version of the face. Basically it’s kind of like a “What the hell is this girl talking about?” face. Every time I see it, I shy out, get chills, feel guilty, and just walk away… the contemplate for hours about how that could’ve gone better. Like right now, I’m still contemplating about how that car ride with Ingrid and Serena could’ve gone better.

Is it normal to not know how to speak to your friends? Why can’t I be like other people and speak up? My mind goes blank and I don’t know what to say. I honestly feel like I’m the only person in the world who does this and it pisses me off so much. I feel like my brain gives up on me. And when I try, it makes me say something stupid. I can never get it right, to be honest. I want to talk with my friends and carry out conversations but the words won’t come out… not even the thoughts of saying the right thing comes to mind. I just want to be like everyone else; to be comfortable with who I talk to without having to be scared of saying the wrong thing or not anything at all. I really wonder what’s wrong with me: Is it a mental disorder? I swear. I swear. I swear…. nobody understands how this truly makes me wonder where I belong. Not even this whole post defines half of how I feel about this. Maybe it’s an INFJ thing? Maybe it’s a cancer thing? Or maybe it has nothing to do with zodiacs and superstitions at all… maybe it’s just me.

Basketball Rain Dance

Call me crazy but I’m obsessed with practicing basketball outside in the rain. Basketball is my favorite sport and I’d say I’m pretty decent at it, I mean I stuck to it all the way through high school and I kept getting better every year. But the thing is, I prefer to practice it in the rain.

It all started a few years ago as I was watching a YouTube video about how I could get better at basketball and teach myself some new tricks during the process. One of the things that the guy said that he does is practice basketball in all types of weather: sun, rain, hail, snow, etc. Why? Because it conditions you for all types of surfaces. What he meant by that was: say for instance the custodian didn’t wipe the floor. For those of you that don’ know, even the smallest specs of dust actually make you slide on the gym floor when you play basketball. I’ll be prepared though because I practiced on an icy surface, so I’ll know how to control the pressure that I apply with my body and not lose my footing. But rain… rain is a different story.

I try to be in tune with nature whenever I get the chance. When it rains, that’s when I’ll more than likely practice my basketball skills. This is going to sound quite cheesy but you know how if you can focus on an object when it’s moving it appears as if time is slowing down, or if you remain quiet enough and concentrate you can focus on just one sound? That’s what I do with rain drops. I practice my dribbling only when it rains. I like dribbling the ball to the tempo of the rain drops. Nothing calms me down more than doing that. It’s just me, rain, and a ball. Nothing else. Some days the rain and I dance together very slowly when it drizzles. I try to dribble lightly with the rain. On other days, the rain sounds so frustrated when it’s heavy so I dribble harder and faster to sympathize with it.

Rain doesn’t need to actually tell me what’s going on because like they say: Actions speak louder than words. Rain just sets the mood, all I have to do is listen.

I’m Being Watched…

I guess I can call myself “superstitious” per se… I believe that Karma is a bitch and exists and I am always for zodiac signs. The thing that I’m always most paranoid about, however, is the fact that spirits exist in our world. If you’re a non believer then fine, call me crazy, but at least hear my stories:

I’ll start of with my grandmother. As a child, when she lived in Brooklyn with my great-grandmother, she went into the basement one night because the apartment that her family owned blew a fuse. As she was walking towards the breaker, she saw a grayish mist coming toward her… not to mention that this “mist” was also humming. As the mist drew closer, the mist came out to be woman, and luckily she was harmless. After the encounter, my grams told my greatgrams what had happened and my greatgrams told her that it was probably a previous tenant that had lived in the apartment complex. Days later, the lady was never to be seen again; my grams told me that her spirit was finally put to rest.

Another phenomena that I was told was actually about my greatgrams herself. My greatgrams died on Halloween last year and my aunt and cousins went to visit her grave one day. She was talking to my greatgrams and great-grandfather (we chose for their bodies to be buried next to each other) and all of a sudden there were worms on the ground that spelled out their last name. Unafraid, my aunt continued to converse with them as if she was able to feel their presence.

One of my cousins was stopped at a traffic light next to the graveyard where my great grandparents died and the eeriest thing occurred. The inside of the car suddenly turned cold. My cousin stepped out the car to feel the temperature and it seemed normal. So then she checked if the AC was on but it was off. Puzzled, she continued to wait for the light to turn green until a white figure looking like our great-grandfather walked across her car. She was frozen for a while until she realized that there was nothing to worry about; it was just Granpapa looking out for her.

A few months ago, my brother was in our basement doing the laundry when something propelled him to turn around. He shifted and saw a white figure about 8 feet away from him just standing. He blinked and then it disappeared. It’s funny because I, too, have seen mysterious figures around my house but instead of them being white, they appear black.

Lastly, here’s my personal experience with a phenomena. So I was maybe about 13-14ish and I had woken up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. When I finished my business, I saw my grams at the bottom of the steps just standing there. She was wearing all white and her outline/silhouette/contour (whatever you want to call it) was a little hazy. Young and naïve, I said hello but she didn’t respond; instead, she just walked away. So the next morning, I get up and explain to her what had happened and she told me that she didn’t recall seeing me, let alone waking up in the middle of the night to do anything. The strangest part of the whole thing was the night-gown she was wearing… it wasn’t white.

So that leaves us with the question, “So who’s watching you, Toni?” Well, it’s been about a year and a half since things got stranger in my house. Doors that my siblings and I closed become open in a couple of hours, I see no orbs really but shapes/figures in my peripheral vision, I feel like I’m being touched on my arms and legs every once in a while, and the hairs on the back of neck stand when nobody else is awake at night. This also really sucks because I have to go into the basement right now to put my dad’s clothes in the dryer… Honestly, though, I feel like my house isn’t haunted because I have not yet to feel a cold spot, have and physical markings on me, and/or hear things when nobody else is present. So who knows? Maybe I am very paranoid, but it’s only because of the amount of scary movies at night and the material that I pick up from watching them. But I swear it all feels real! It really does… but at the same time, I know my house can’t be haunted because nobody that we don’t know died in our house (or at least that we know of) and this house wasn’t built on a hidden graveyard or any dead bodies so why am I getting these paranoid feelings? If anything, the only ghosts that should be present in this house is Jesus (sorry if you’re not into that haha) and my greatgrams because she died in my house last year.

So what are you guys’ stories? Have you had a paranormal encounter? Have you been contacted in some way by spirits? Have you ever felt like your paranoia has reached over your limit? This kind of stuff interests me; please let me know.

Don’t Go Losing Your Head

It’s those damn feelings again! If you’re an INFJ, you’d definitely know what I’m talking about. You get so heated that you actually get sick from being “too emotional”. Once you get that first rush of adrenaline, then you know you’re in trouble. It’s the nausea you get in the pit of your stomach, that lightheadedness, the chills you get from being overwhelmed, that feeling of being in the oven bc you body temperature just spiked a few degrees. It can be caused by a number of things. With me, it really only happens if I get into trouble, and I mean BIG trouble. If you’re ever angry, you never want to aim that towards an INFJ. I’m not saying it’s not their fault per se, but if only you knew how much guilt you’ll end up making them carry on their shoulders. INFJs are the kind of people where as soon as you yell at them once, they’ll feel like everything is their fault. Plus we also have the tendency to get depressed for a while, and in doing so, we reminisce about what had happened. Some common questions would be: “OMG what did I just do?”, “Damn, I shouldn’t have done that!”, “Crap! I’m so sorry I did that.”, “Thy’ll never forgive me…”, “Am I ever going to see them again?” and so forth. To have reoccurring sad thoughts is just something that INFJs deal with.

I’m not trying to say that INFJs are depressing individuals, but my point is that we tend to get offended easily and take many things literally… we take things too seriously. We just want affection and patience. Of course we can be happy but I feel like one of the main reasons why we seem depressed our whole lives is because of how easily words and actions impale our hearts. You know the phrase, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me”? Yeah,words hurt… a lot.

My best advice? If you yell or argue with an INFJ that you know, try to recognize their body language. Do they look scared? Are they about to cry? Are they fidgeting? Do they appear uncomfortable? If so, comfort them and just justify your argument with them in a softer tone; jut talk it out.

Time Will Come

The time will come For you to sing Like the birds do When it’s spring And then you go painting The whole town To gain access To a crown … The time will come For you to dance To initiate…

Source: Time Will Come

Here’s today’s relatable theme post! Shoutout to @franksolanki

The Clock Is Ticking…

I never thought that I’d get this far in life. High school… senior year… college soon… It’s all going too fast. I cannot fathom how little time I have to make things right with some people. Our friendships are on the clock and time is almost running out to amend them. Have you ever gotten the feeling like the world around you is moving so fast, but all you can do is do things in slow motion? You can’t keep up with life and you feel like you’re not gonna make it? Yup, that’s me in a nutshell. But what if I don’t want to keep up… what if I want to get left behind? To get overwhelmed in the world’s pressures… yeah, if only life were just a walk in the park. But then again, walks in the park have different paths… and life hits you hard again. When I go to college is when I’ll have one of those pauses that life gives us in order to make a choice to pick a path, and not feel rushed to taking that path. I could stay who I am or be a different person. See, here’s the thing though. Every choice we have has a consequence. Staying who I am could be good, but what if my old self won’t fit in and what if staying who I am brings back bad memories (because it can in some aspects). On the contrary, I could be a whole different Toni but in the making I can lose my roots; when people back home see me again, I won’t be myself. I’d remain a mere shadow of who I was. Time is something you can never get back so we must use it wisely. I have a terrible habit of feeling guilt and regret everyday; while I mourn my losses and terrible mistakes, a few seconds had already gone by. Time is probably my worst enemy, all I do is worry when what I should be doing issuing it to my advantage.

So, the question is: What should I do now? Well, I have 2 options, really… I can either A) Save myself the drama and move on without the people that wear me down, or B) Stick with those people and hold out just a little bit longer; maybe we can work this out too the end. I could go for choice A) but then I know I’d feel guilty for giving up the people I love so easily. Then there’s B). Consequences of that choice would mean fighting through the pain and hoping that there’s at least a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. As an INFJ, I’d probably stick with B)… what can I say? We’re clingy individuals who value relationships and bonds more than anything.

Here’s a scenario:

They say that high school changes people, right? You and your 3 closest friends start to slowly part ways towards the end of your senior year.  Friends number 1, 2, 3 (Skylar, Nicki, and Kayla, respectively), and yourself start to go do different things that set all 4 of you apart. Let’s say Skylar is super attached to her boyfriend and hardly talks to her friends anymore, Nicki got into the wrong crowd at a party one night and started doing drugs and alcohol, and Kayla is too focused on college work to hang out anymore. How would you access this situation? What consequences come with the choices that you’d make? How would those choices make you feel? Are they really worth the time?

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